Today marks 100 days in the hospital for 2019. (actually 101 because an ER only visit was not recorded.) Honestly, it feels disheartening to have reached a negative milestone. I know the exact numbers don’t have specific meaning but the accumulation of 100 days when we still have 2.5 months left in the year just feels wrong. There was a patch of this year (Spring) when I felt like I was making process outside of the hospital but lately I’ve had issues with fevers, concerning for a possible occult infection. We haven’t found the infection – or figured out if it is even real or serious.
While the negative milestones are disheartening, the outpouring of support has been incredibly encouraging. A few weeks ago, I reached out for encouragement when a hospitalization came ~36hr after the last one, asking for virtual hugs. I received more virtual hugs and love than I could have predicted. It really lifted my spirits in such a low time. That hospitalization was followed by just 6 hours of freedom before going back to the ER for readmission – a pretty intense kick in the gut, figuratively & literally. You all felt the frustration and poured even more love into me – thanks!
So, this afternoon, I’m facing the frustrating unknown of a possible infection, the disheartening reaching of a milestone but also the encouraging knowledge of a big support system of friends and family and even the patient families of my earlier days of playing doctor. I really appreciate all the love, however you all decide to show it. Please know, even if I don’t respond to everything, I feel the support that counters the disheartening stuff along the way.